Ever wondered what a cabinet meeting in Stephan Harper’s government is like? I think it would go something like this:
As Stephan Harper walks into the cabinet meeting room, his smile turns to a scowl. He surveys each of his ministers in turn, giving them each the briefest of scowls, before turning his attention to the head of the table, where a mountain of file sits before an enormous throne. Walking down one side of the table, passing half of the ministers (seated on small stools, with not so much as a scrap of paper on the desk before them), Harper slowly makes his way to his seat of power and sits down. Every minister looks at him expectantly, to see which file he picks up from the pile first.
“Hmmm, let’s see,” Harper muses, “Let’s start with the Ministry of Defense.” Peter MacKay sits straight up and folds his hands on the empty table in front of him. Harper takes a long time reviewing the file he selected. “I think we will press ahead with the plan to buy the F-35 fighter jets, despite the fact that the Americans seem to be having doubts and despite the soaring costs. Peter 1 , what do you think?”
Peter MacKay clears his throat, and says, “Sir, Of course I’m in favour of giving the Canadian military the tools it needs, but can I see the file, before I make up my mind? It sounds like there might be some reason to give it a second thought…” He trails off as Harper glares at him.
“Peter 1, do you want to sit here and argue with me, or do you want to go for a helicopter ride?” MacKay perks up and gets a glint in his eye. “That’s right, there is a private jet waiting outside, to take to you an air force base where a helicopter will take you on a fishing trip. Doesn’t that sound like more fun than sitting through this meeting?” MacKay bobs his head, “Maybe try fishing out of the helicopter itself, that should be fun. They might not want to do it, because it isn’t safe, but I’ll have your office call them and make them do it anyway. Off you go.” MacKay lets out a squeal of delight and runs out of the meeting room.
“Okay, what’s next?” Harper considers his files, “Let’s get the environment out of the way. Peter 2? Peter 2!”
Peter Kent wakes up from a slumber with a shocked, “Who? Me?” He is surprised to be called upon.
“Of course you, do you know another Peter 2?” Harper asks with a chuckle. Half a second later, all the other ministers gave a chuckle as well. “You’re off to Durban this afternoon, right?”
“Yes, your highness, I am. My jet is waiting outside.”
“Actually, Peter 1 took it fishing. I want you to charter another plane. And, Peter 2, I want you to get the most polluting thing you can find, do you understand? I want a cloud of black smoke behind it a mile long. I want to make sure that those greenies at that conference know that we aren’t joking around - we‘re into polluting and we’re into polluting big and nothing and nobody is going to stop us.”
“Yes, your highness!” Peter Kent leaves with cabinet room.
As he is leaving, a messenger comes in with a file. “Urgent notice regarding Attawapiskat First Nation for Aboriginal Affairs.” John Duncan, Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, rises to accept the file, but is cut off by Harper.
“I’ll take that, thanks.” Harper contemplates the file for a long time. “Hmmm, seems there is a crisis in Attawapiskat. John, I’m going to allocate $10 million dollars for you to solve this problem. With that money, I want you to hire the best consultants and accountants that you can to write a report on what has happened and recommendations to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“I’ll get right on it, your worshipfulness .” Duncan replies, and gets up to leave.
“And John,” Harper stops him, “I want you to make it perfectly clear to these people that the reason for this crisis is entirely to do with internal issues at Attawapiskat First Nation and their report better reflect that. I don’t want to spend $10 million and end up with a report with surprises in it - that would be a waste of taxpayer money.” With a bow, Duncan leaves.
Harper checks the clock. “I have a meeting with my hair stylist that I can’t miss - he is the most sought out stylist in Ottawa.” Harper looks at the mountain of untouched documents, “We didn’t even get through half of the files! It takes so long when I have to explain everything to you idiots. I expect you to all stay here all night working.” Harper summons several couriers, “Remove all these files, the information is much too important for any of these people to see it.” Harper then puts on a sweater-vest, picks up a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee and strides out of the office, leaving a roomful of Ministers twiddling their thumbs at an otherwise empty table.
Peter Kent wakes up from a slumber with a shocked, “Who? Me?” He is surprised to be called upon.
“Of course you, do you know another Peter 2?” Harper asks with a chuckle. Half a second later, all the other ministers gave a chuckle as well. “You’re off to Durban this afternoon, right?”
“Yes, your highness, I am. My jet is waiting outside.”
“Actually, Peter 1 took it fishing. I want you to charter another plane. And, Peter 2, I want you to get the most polluting thing you can find, do you understand? I want a cloud of black smoke behind it a mile long. I want to make sure that those greenies at that conference know that we aren’t joking around - we‘re into polluting and we’re into polluting big and nothing and nobody is going to stop us.”
“Yes, your highness!” Peter Kent leaves with cabinet room.
As he is leaving, a messenger comes in with a file. “Urgent notice regarding Attawapiskat First Nation for Aboriginal Affairs.” John Duncan, Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, rises to accept the file, but is cut off by Harper.
“I’ll take that, thanks.” Harper contemplates the file for a long time. “Hmmm, seems there is a crisis in Attawapiskat. John, I’m going to allocate $10 million dollars for you to solve this problem. With that money, I want you to hire the best consultants and accountants that you can to write a report on what has happened and recommendations to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“I’ll get right on it, your worshipfulness .” Duncan replies, and gets up to leave.
“And John,” Harper stops him, “I want you to make it perfectly clear to these people that the reason for this crisis is entirely to do with internal issues at Attawapiskat First Nation and their report better reflect that. I don’t want to spend $10 million and end up with a report with surprises in it - that would be a waste of taxpayer money.” With a bow, Duncan leaves.
Harper checks the clock. “I have a meeting with my hair stylist that I can’t miss - he is the most sought out stylist in Ottawa.” Harper looks at the mountain of untouched documents, “We didn’t even get through half of the files! It takes so long when I have to explain everything to you idiots. I expect you to all stay here all night working.” Harper summons several couriers, “Remove all these files, the information is much too important for any of these people to see it.” Harper then puts on a sweater-vest, picks up a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee and strides out of the office, leaving a roomful of Ministers twiddling their thumbs at an otherwise empty table.
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